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A Novel Excerpt pg 209

This is an excerpt from my first novel. The title is still undecided. This part here is a section about two of the secondary characters: Abby & Markus. Thus far, the true reason for Abby having been in prison for stabbing MArkus and why he tried so hard to keep her out and why he still loved her had not been discussed. Here the full story comes out as they flee from their homeland to find a man (the main character) who prophecy says is the rightful heir to the throne. And, as Abby points out, their journey is less about “the man” and more about what he represents.  

 

Hiram was the first one awake. Markus was watching vigilantly enough for a city boy, Hiram thought. Hiram chuckled into a cough. He cleared his throat with a grunt as he got up and wiped his eyes. His smile only got bigger and Markus frowned at it. He leveled a discontented stare down at the burly priest. Hiram slapped his back and chuckled again in sarcastic elation. “Son! Is that you?”

“Funny,” he returned flatly. Markus puffed a stray lock of his now very strawberry blonde hair out of his face.

“I think the red hair looks good on you, boy.”

“I think you should eat your tongue.”

“And I think you should have less lip this early in the morn. Besides, once we’re over the thresh you’d be well to dye it back to that rat brown.”

“Whatever, Hiram. I just got out of prison, chased for almost a week, and forced to dye my hair this godless red panty stain, and listen to a fat wanker rib me like a school boy.”

Hiram groped at his paunch. “No need to look fit at my age. I’ve not had the need to look pretty for a woman in a long time.”

“Not since your wife died. What’s it been now? Six years? Seven? Should I rib your sore spots, old man?”

Hiram turned red as he flexed his fist. “You, you little piss ant, are crossing a very thick line.” He stood up slowly and went to check the horses. Markus slid off the rock and gaped his mouth at the sky then shook his head. All this was getting to him. He tucked his hands in the back pockets of his denim blue jeans as he looked at the ground. Hiram was not a man who took apologies well and Markus had never been good at them anyway. He scuffed the ground in frustration and turned at the sound of soft boot steps behind him.

Markus’ was deafened instantly as he reeled from Abby’s slap. “How dare you, Markus. That man is here because he wanted to help us and you…I can’t believe you’re such a cur. Rood, you were such a damned waste of my life. I don’t have a clue what I ever liked about you.”

“I was just there when you needed someone. A rebound.”

Abby shook, redfaced and tears welled up in her eyes. “Maybe…” She turned and walked away hiding her face.

 

Markus went after her. She shrugged him off and backhanded him when he tried to touch her a second time. “Don’t you dare! You don’t get to touch me anymore, Markus. You haven’t had that right for a long time. Just stay away from me. I don’t need you around me. I don’t want you.”

“I know.” He dropped his hand from his face. It fall and sagged him. He closed his eyes as two tears tumbled down from his chin. His voice was a shaky whisper. “That’s why I used to drink after you got pregnant…I was so in love with you then, this sweet, gorgeous woman. And you were so smart. You’re two years older than me but you made it feel like twenty. Gods, I was always in awe of you. You were everything to me…everything…but you never let go of your ex. I was so angry you still loved him. How you cried -you cried over what he was gonna think about you being pregnant- over him. I wanted to be a father, Abby. I wanted to be one so bad and have this amazing marriage with this awesome wife, but you cried over him. The happiest moment of my life and your worst. You made me feel like I was nothing. Like I was worthless.

I knew right then, that moment, it was all true. All those fears in the back of my head: true. You didn’t love me. Never did. Probably never could. So yeah, I drank. I buried myself. I had to. Because every time I looked at you I heard what you said ‘what’s he gonna think’. It eat me up inside. And then that night I passed out in the hallway outside our bed, you were on your knees pushing me and you thought I was still out and you said Luke would never act this way.” Abby paled. “And I thought, ‘yeah that was because you loved him. He never had to come home to a woman who didn’t want him or his child.’ And then I just snapped…I hit you. I couldn’t take it anymore but I never meant to hit you in the stomach. And after…when I found out you did lose it, after I slept in the park on a bench for a week because I was so ashamed of everything -myself, what I had done, that I was the only one who was in love, that I had wasted all that money on a ring for you, how stupid I was, how naïve- I pawned the ring and I set to drinking all that wasted money down.

And somewhere along the line that night I got it in my stupid head that maybe if we had had a child together you would…” Markus pawed at the tears falling from his eyes as he quivered. “That you could’ve grown to love me, if you just saw how much I loved you. I went home that night and I saw you sleeping in a ball on the couch and I just wanted us to be better. I wanted us to be happy…and I…I was so stupid and desparate and drunk, I…I, for the death, thought it would fix everything. And when you fought back I got so angry that you didn’t want me. I kept thinking about you wanting him and it made it worse and I…

When you stabbed me, I thought ‘good. I deserve this.’ and I thought I shouldn’t make you have to clean up my blood. I didn’t even make it a block. I wanted to just jump off the docks. I tried, oh, I tried. I crawled but by then someone had called for help and I had Hiram over me trying to heal me. To keep me alive when all I wanted to do was die, just bleed out and drown at the same time, in the bottom of the water. I knew you never loved me, Abby. Not once. Not ever. Not even a little bit. To this day I still hate myself for not being able to drown. I have failed at everything, Abby. Everything.” He pushed a finger into her chest. “But you know what the worst part is? I still love you. Still. You hurt me so bad and I know how bad I hurt you, but still I wish it could all go away. I wish we could start over. I wish for once I was that innocent kid you came to. That back then when I fell in love with you, you would’ve fallen for me.

So yeah, you may have been stuck in a cell I fought so hard to keep you out of for three years, but I’m still in mine and I always will be, because every time I close my eyes, every time I even think about another woman I think of you. I remember I will never be good enough because I’m just Mark, Abby, not Lucas Fennier.

You know, in my nightmares, when I hold you, you always call out his name.” Markus shuddered in a breath. “I’m sorry we ever met.”

He walked off towards the river while Abby held in her tears as best she could and hurried a little ways out of the camp from where the other two were still asleep. She rounded a tree and pressed her back into it until her knees buckled and she slid down into the tall weeds. She burst into tears and clutched chunks of the thick green grass in her fists before she gave up and fell on her side into a ball. It wasn’t true, she wished it wasn’t true. But he was right. She had used him. She had tried to love him though. She thought he didn’t know she hadn’t. He was so loving to her and she had tried so hard, but she wasn’t over Luke then. And by the time she was, he was always drunk. She didn’t mean to say that when he was passed out. It just came out. She knew all these years, that that had been what set him off. She wished she could’ve taken it back since the moment it came out. She never could. The past couldn’t be erased with a thousand wishes. They both had become despicable people and it had been all her fault. She used him and he hated her for it and he loved her in spite of it and hated himself all the more.

It was a long time before she could right herself up. She finally wiped her face and decided what she wanted. She got up and went to the river.

Mark wasn’t there. Everyone was eating breakfast and he wasn’t there. No one had seen him. His horse was still there. Her stomach was gnawing at her. She walked back towards the river and as she went out of sight she broke into a run. She was grateful she had slept in her boots.

He sitting against an oak tree, his head in his knees and arms. She dropped to her knees in front of him and grab two fistfuls of his strawberry-dye hair. He had been crying his face was flush and his voice came out with a clogged nasal note. “What Abby? What else is there to say?”

She pressed her head against his and smoothed down his hair with her eyes closed. “Don’t stop.”

“What?”

“We’re going to become…no. We have the chance to change everything about who we are, who we have been. We are getting the chance to make yourselves. Reinvent who we are. We, Markus, you and me are getting a second chance at life.”

“And for what? What good is it?”

She shook his head. “Listen to me, dammit…Markus, listen. You and me can start over.”

“I heard you the first time.”

She pulled his head away a little and looked into his eyes. “You and me can start over.” She looked and watched him look, from one eye to the other. “You were wrong about what you said. It wasn’t at first, but there was a time when I loved you. And that’s why it hurt me so much when you started to drink. I knew it was something I had done. I knew I was pushing you away. But I was so afraid of being hurt again. I had just lost a husband, my job, and a kid just turned sixteen had gotten me pregnant and told me how much he loved me. Luke had been sixteen when we got married. We were just kids.”

“Abby, I don’t wanna hear about Luke.”

“Shut up…just shut up, please…just listen…I was fourteen and he had seemed so much in love with me and four years later no baby on the way he found someone else and divorced me when I came home. So you scared me, you said the same things and I was in love with you. I really was by then when you moved in with me and we danced and made love on the dining room table. I was gonna be a mother, I was eighteen and the father was only sixteen and you told me you wanted to marry me. And all I could think of was how much I was scared. I was afraid that if I lost the baby, you’d leave. And I was afraid you really deep down didn’t care as much about me as I did about you. Gods, you jackass, I loved you so much that I would always run home before you, because I was afraid that if I came home late you’d leave me, right on the steps the way Luke did. I would cry about that when you went out. I was terrorized by it. It felt like a house of cards.

When I lost the baby, I knew it was over. You never came back. I was alone all over again. Then when you showed up and…I thought…I just wanted it over. My life was ruled by men I couldn’t trust. I felt used and dirty and I hated you and him so much…”

“I loved you.”

“Well that was a horrible way to show it, Mark. I needed you. I needed you to want me.”

“I did Abby. I always have.”

Abby crinkled her nose with intensity and slid herself off of her knees and onto grass, looking west. She leaned back on her hand which she placed on the other side of Markus’ foot. He could feel her side against his shin. She looked off, squinting across the river from the little hilltop as the hot wind from the desert turned to soft warm breeze here and rocked the amber and olive knee high grasses. She glanced at the scarlet and vermillion sunrise and the wispy tracks of fuchsia-navy clouds.

“When I think about this man we’re all going to see…the destination at the end of all this…I don’t think of some saint. Whether he saves the world or is a complete letch who lays around all day and stares at girls from his porch while the whole world goes to the hells, I doesn’t matter to me…or rather, it doesn’t matter to who I am. But what he does represent – offer- is Choice. My choice. A different tommow.”

“Abby?”

“Just think about it Markus. We have been living these lies. These tiny painful little lives. There’s no hope for the future. No great tomorrow where everything is forgotten or forgiven. But this man has given us, not just you and me, but Fiona to, a second chance. We are walking, running, away from everything that made us who we were.

After everything the gods are finally smiling on us. Today we shed ourselves. The old dying facades of who we were are buried here, in this place, and we leave here as truly free people. Completely free. Hells, we don’t even have to get to him. He was just a catalyst, the catalyst, that offered life to the dying.”

“Abby…”

“No really. Think about it. I was dying, drowning in all that had happened. You’ve been drowning too. And look at us now…we sit here in the suffering of all our past mistakes. But we don’t need to anymore. We’re going where only we will know who we are. And we don’t have to be who we were. We can be anyone. Anything.”

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God Saved My Job!!!

I am amidst my delve into magic. Real Magic. It’s hard to know what to say about a subject which bears such a stigma. One will most likely attribute such thoughts of idle fantasy as some form of delirium. How incredulous the greater world can be, and how this very reason is why I’ve avoid My Curse for so long.

Today, right now, I’d like to talk about what happened to me lady week. Last week, I slept through my alarm for work. I work nights. My shift starts at 10:30pm. I slept until 12:46am. Needless to say it would have gotten me fired. When I woke up, I hurriedly called my boss. No answer. I called 2 more times. Aware if most likely lose my job, if lose everything I had. Home and all. I prayed to Raphael, who came to me to start saving the Dead months before, and to God, who I has spoken to me a few times. But they were already at work, most likely to chided me on not fully believing in them nor myself.

The next day, after a tormentous 20 hours of waiting, I showed up at work and my boss asked me what happened. I said, I called, and asked why didn’t he answer. “My phone was dead by the time I clocked in. It’s been acting up,” he said.

Did you catch it? I did.

“I called you like 5 times,” I exclaimed, “You didn’t get my voicemail?”

“No,” he muttered, thinking, confused and pondersome, his phone might have been the problem.
“Do you still have the calls on your phone?”

‘Shit!’ I thought to myself. “I don’t know… Let me see.” I opened my call list. It showed 12:51am, 12:54am, and 1:01am. I closed the list and pleaded to God & Raphael in my head. Then I opened it again. The same times were there. Then 2 more appeared, 10:43pm & 10:37pm. Still late, but better. “See Ron. Look. ”

“Paul still ain’t gonna let you slide, probably, you know, if you didn’t call before your shift started.”

“I did. I don’t know why they’re not there. Let me check yours. I think they delete out of the call log after 24 hours.”

“Hope you find’em.”

I fucked with the clock in my phone and instead of changing all the times it added 2 more calls I never made! 9:34pm & 9:45pm!!!

Now I had 7 calls. 4 calls I never made. It saved my job, my home, my family. It was a miracle! Paul, my head boss, asked me why I didn’t call security to call off. I said I couldn’t get through. (It happened to me and my boss before.) “But those should be in your phone too, right? If you can’t find them, I have to fire you.”

I was sweating balls at this point. I pretended to look.

“So what happened?” As I told him what happened, he forgot about the missing phone calls and said don’t let it happen again.

I should tell you my boss HATES me! He’s lazy and he knows I think he’s incompetent. So, him letting me keep my job is amazing! Thank God for his mercy.

If that wasn’t magic, a miracle, I only know what else it could’ve been. God & Raphael, you my eternal gratitude.

I haven’t done an english lesson in awhile, so I figured I jump back in with a very obscure topic. “And” and “&”. I’ll first start off with stating that the difference is very minor, and nearly impossible to know, in english. But as a writer, I find it VERY important. Further, the difference (though minor) can be used to very strong effect. The real ailment is more in the laziness and stupidity of these last generations of native english speakers and to that effect the degradation of english as a whole. (“OMG” is actually in some recently printed dictionaries. How pathetically sad. That states my point succinctly, to a T.)
What the difference is and how to use them, as I will show, can be very important. That said, let’s begin.

“&”, which is spoken as “and” when used in a sentence in place of “and”, is a symbol meaning “and per se and”. The symbol’s name is “ampersand”, a contraction of the aforementioned phrase. It can be used just like “and” can, in lieu of “and”. But, it should not be. This is a bastardization of its purpose.
“&” shows affinity and sympathy of two items, unlike “and” which only denotes the grouping of items. I know this is hard to understand. In fact, most english speakers do not understand the difference. So let me give three examples:

“Mark and Becka and Sherry and John went hiking together.”

“Mark, Becka, Sherry, and John went hiking together.”

“Mark & Becka and Sherry & John went hiking together.”

The first example is horrible english. Never write like this.
The second example is how the first example should be written and it is proper english.
The third example it also proper english and tells more about the people hiking than the second example. Here’s how:
Look at the second example again. Notice how it groups the four people together? This sentence only shows a grouping. Judging by the fact that they are hiking together you assume they are friends, or at the least have some type of reason they are together. It tells you there are two girls and two guys, so you can guess they are two couples going on a hike, but you can’t be sure about any of this. The sentence just doesn’t tell you enough for you to make a guess.
However, example three does. Look at it again. By using “&;” instead of “and”, this example shows that “Mark & Becka” are together with “Sherry & John” and that they are hiking. By using “&” instead of “and” you know that Mark cares more about Becka than he cares about Sherry or John. Why? Because “&” is sympathetic, unlike “and”, it shows favoritism. It shows a grouping within the grouping provided of by “and”.

Now that I’ve explained it, can you tell the difference between example two and three?

Here’s another example to reiterate:

Amy was asked what were some of her favorite foods.
She said, “Mangos, kiwi, orange sherbet, fish & chips, green olives… oh, and pickles!”

Did you notice “fish & chips”? She is stating that she likes fish and chips together, as a single unit, as a single favorite snack. It also means that she may not like fish and chips separately. Or at least not half as much as she would if they were together.

My Mystical Studies

Now as anyone, who knows even a little of me, knows I’m very methodical, clinical, and logical. (Though some would debate the logical part of my claim, referencing the fact that I am not an atheist. To that I say, “I am logical, just neither short-sighted nor pompous in my attributions of laws of science nor confining myself to said mere laws which are incomplete in scope. We still haven’t solved M-Theory, now have we. There are many things which modern science cannot explain and, which to any truly rational person, cannot be denied. Exhibit: Yale’s experiments on the Effects of The Observer on it’s environment.) As such, I’ve been and will continue to be very thorough in my studies & investigations regarding magic and matters of the occult.
 I have treated my current studies as occupational, though with a zeal and hunger I give none save my fetishes. 

    In other words, I am reading a shit load! 

    Here is a list of the Books I have read since the end of November: 

6Th & 7th Books of Moses
8Th Book of Moses
Abramelin
Arbatel
The Golden Tractate of Hermes Trismegistus
Goetia
Theurgia Goetia
Ars Almadel
Ars Paulina
The Key of Solomon
Golden Dawn – The Supreme Invoking Ritual of the Pentagram
The Grand Grimoire
The Grimoire of Armadel
The Grimoire of Honorius
The Grimoire of Turiel
Grimoirum Verum
Heptameron
Herbs And Their Magickal Properties
Dr. Johannes Faust’s Threefold Coercion of Hell (a.k.a. The Black Raven)
Libellus Jesuitus
The Emerald Tablet of Hermes
Sepher Raziel
The Grand Grimoire (Pratt’s Version)
The Sword of Moses
The Black Pullett
The Twelve Keys of Basil Valentine
The 49 Enochian Calls by David Griffin
Golden Dawn Enochian magic by Pat Zalewski
The Nature of the Enochian Magickal System by Benjamin Rowe
Liber 58
Liber 777
Liber Samekh Hé
Lives of the Necromancers (Uses the term improperly)
Liber Satangelica
John Dee and the Magic Tables in the Book of Soyga by Jim Reeds
Summoning Spirits by Konstantinos
The Testament of Solomon
The Enochian Tablets by Aleister Crowley.
Enochian Linguistic
A Treatise on Elemental and Talismanic Magick
Paracelsus, Scrying, and The Lingua Adamica 

                                      …I think that was all.
                                         …I read…a lot. 

Communing with the Spirits by Martin Coleman (I forgot one.) 

(I also started reading the Dead Sea Scrolls. If anyone’s interested.) 

Thesis thus far: 

    Waite is sloppy and lazy. He gives more errors than effort.
    Crowley is notable being the counterbalance to Waite’s errors, but applies Jung’s outdated Pseudo-psychology to local gods. Jung was an idiot. So by association, that makes Crowley one as well.
    Dee is most curious. He is extremely varied in his studies. Knowing Kelley was a con man, he still used him as a tool. This leads me towards two options: He is either a genius or a fool. By his ability to work out the most complicated algorithms seen in squares and add to them means I am inclined towards the former.
    Konstantinos by far I respect the most if only by his clear forthright manner. He makes no attempt to dissuade through boring or “enlightened” prose. Above all, he is concise. He describes exercises which are themselves forms of thought focus.

Historical Sea Levels

     First, I’ll cover the most boring. This first map is a map based on maximum sea level height. Given current warming of the atmosphere and oceans, the water levels will increase by 250 feet within 300 years. The map, I should state, is only accurate within 100 miles. The two hand drawn lines are the Gulf Streams. The blue line represents the current Gulf Stream. The purple line represents the future Global Gulf Stream.

World, with 100 meter sea level rise

This  image is licensed under a Creative Commons License.  Credit: Dave Pape

  Now onto historical sea levels. This second map represents Earth just before the end of the last Ice Age. You’ll notice how much more land was present then. The timeframe is the year, 10,500 B.C.


The sea levels rose very swiftly after this time, roughly 450 feet over 1,000 years. The shear massive inundation of the land during this sea level adjustment is why a The Flood Myth occurs in nearly all religions. An interesting note that lends itself towards this fact is that ancient man had to live near the water to fish or be within a few days walk inland (40-100 miles), as a trading city to survive. Also, the Arabian, Mediterranean, and Floridian areas were permanently flooded inland by, in some cases, hundreds of miles.
    The area labeled (1) points to:
Japan, which was once a mountain range connected to Asia Proper with a giant prehistoric inland lake.
Indonesia, Malaysia, & the islands, were all connected on a much larger peninsula. Of all the prehistoric world this area was the most effected by the sea level rise, losing tens of thousands of square miles.
Austrailia, also was much larger during this time. Allowing for the easy crossing of the ancient Polynesian peoples to reach the continent during the ice ages starting 50,000 years ago. These became the indigenous australoid peoples, who are now a distinct and separate phenotype who are superficially similar to the negroid peoples. They are not even vaguely related.
You’ll notice a very large island once existed east of prehistoric Australia. There were also thousands of smaller islands which once existed or larger versions of the ones that still exist now, throughout the oceans of the world. Most are not visible on this map, as they are less than a hundred miles in their dimensions.

Under the label (2):
The Red Sea, The Persian Gulf, The Mediterranean Sea, and the surrounding bodies of water did not exist in during the last ice age.

Under label (3):
At this time, Europe, The Caribbean, and Central America had much more land.
You’ll notice the yellow dot below the (3). This dot is on a large island which no longer exists. This island is unique. Many ancient kabbalistic maps mark this island as Atlantis.
The true curiosity of this island comes from Edgar Kasey, the most profound psychic and prophet in history. What was so astonishing about him was that he gave only gave the answers to questions, while under clinically controlled hypnosis. He had cured thousands of illnesses, found lost & kidnapped children, solved murders, and was even investigated after providing information on a plane crash. He gave a little over 44,000 prophecies. A stenographer was used to record everything he said during this time. To date, it is the most complete and largest collection of prophecy.
    He was once asked if Atlantis existed.
        He answered, “Yes.”
    He was asked where it was.
        He asked for a map and draw an island in the Caribbean. (Just where it appears on this map.)
    He was then asked if we would ever prove it existed.
        He answered, “In the year 1966 or ‘67.”
Now while we do not believe Atlantis ever existed, in 1967 a road was found lined with ruins in the Caribbean at the yellow dot on the map. A spot, on the island Kasey marked as, “Atlantis.”

Man has always had a strong need for the sea. Even today, the most populated areas are those closest to large bodies of water who can harbor ports. While man need of the sea has changed from being used for fishing to also being used for commercial shipping, we need it no less now than we have throughout history.
 And with most every early tribe of man along the shores or the nearby low lying plains for survival. They began building small cities, which became buried under the rising waters. Over 4,000 years later, they became the cities of myth.

Dirge

Your words twist
into the viscera
like a fist in the black haze of slumber
just when i had forgotten
what it means to miss you
in this phased out
reality pantomiming my
bloody smile as
a true form of happiness. I smell your sweat
on a pillow you’ve never met before.
And I remember who
I once was and who
I am not, anymore.

Hello
You probably don’t
remember me
but forgetting you
was harder than
drinking sunlight or workin’ twilight in the deadtime
beneath overpass signs.
And my mind drives
30,000 miles an hour
to shower me with my very own tears

So why do these
memories keep
coming back to me?
Just as I forget your face I see you
looking back at me in my mirror
like a chronoscopic dirge.

please forgive me god for my losing faith
in my self.
For I am a monster
a demon, feeding into my fears
and in my depths I am drowning
below the tides of tried and
the truly decieved for a while
and think that these scars have healed
but i’m only lying to myself

So why do these memories keep
coming back to me?
Just as I forget your face I see you
looking back at me in my mirror
like a chronoscopic dirge of past revelries
how could I forget me
and who I was going to be
that turned out to be anybody other than me
And who I am is lonely marked
on a shelf too high to reach with my hands
So why do these
memories keep
coming back to me?
Just as I forget you
I see you
looking back at me just as I turn to leave.

So bye bye, oh
and by the by, I think that I
am happier now without you
and without me forgetting me
like in a make believe story of a child
called “stinging curiosity”
who played at love and lost
more than anyone can, but you see
i am no longer burdened by what you thought
that i
could be

It said “hi. Bye forget the mess in your head instead look into the clouds of loud silences and hear their gears turning”

 

To me there has never has been a soul as foul.
chopping through your forest of love now. I bet you you’re sorry now. I bet now you’re sorry.
but it’s a worthless and futile task now.
There are no more pieces of you to pick up.
Now, I watch as you look over your shoulder
at shadows, at nothing, at me
What does it take for you to understand
I am the tempest, the fire, the most baleful of men
I am the hunter, the destroyer, the king of the end
You are a beauty, a grace, but not unto me 

 You are my equal, my reflection, reversed to purity
and in me decadence you provide all your answers
without questions and I am given not a reprieve,
oh my darling, my angel, look at me
my darling, my angel, bow down now for me
for it is something I can not do. 

 oh my darling, my angel, look at me
my darling, my angel, bow down now for me
for it is something I can not do.
For you. For me. Forgive.
Forget me. Without Regret.
Fortune does not favor the weak.
Forgive. For you. Forget. For Me